I've been going through my work computer and cleaning out all of my personal files before I give it back to SAIC. It's funny how stuff I had completely forgotten ever having suddenly becomes too important to get rid of... Anyways, I digress. I found a word file called 'Sammie's Bio' and I couldn't remember what it was. I opened it and found a bio I wrote for my band, Barefoot, for our myspace site which never ended up working that well. BUT, the bio is still pretty funny. Here it is:
Possessing arguably the largest ego in Barefoot, bassist Sammie Markham brings to the band years of experience including performances for crowds numbering in the tens, an award from some free paper homeless people use for blankets, and a whole slew of lip service that makes him sound really important.
Sammie’s first attempt at professional music was auditioning for cruise ships in the Pacific. It was a complete success, except for the part about performing on an actual cruise ship. He ended up playing with The Whaling Humpbacks on a fleet of Alaskan fishing boats. Since money was tight, all labor for the band (except the actual playing) was outsourced to India. The Whaling Humpbacks abruptly ended their tour when Sammie broke a string on stage and the band learned from the roadie (who lived in Calcutta) that the repair would take at least 6-8 weeks. Sammie thought his career was over until he discovered that his brother’s college roommate once worked for a guy whose uncle lives in the same neighborhood of the former manager of a band whose back-up singer once saw Clive Davis’ valet in a coffee shop. The connection, albeit distant, would prove to be the turning point of an otherwise doomed career.
Putting The Whaling Humpbacks into his past, Sammie donned the performing name Vernon P. Funkweiler. He formed his new band, Funkweiler’s Funkadelic Funktones from Funkytown, and was signed instantly. After 5 albums and 3 World Tours Sammie was at the top of his game, until the drummer’s roadie leaked a well-guarded secret to the tabloids. The world would soon see the now famous Enquirer headline Vernon ‘Pee’ Funkweiler and Sammie’s bed-wetting problem would become water-cooler talk from Patagonia to Tahiti.
The record company left him, the band left him, the money left him and all was lost until an endorsement offer came from Johnson & Johnson for Sammie’s personalized line of custom-made bed pans. Sammie invested his money well and moved to the city where personal failures and shortcomings are quickly forgotten and never exploited – Washington DC. A weekend trip with Jesse Coleman to see a free Twisted Sister concert led to the creation of a mosh-pit, which led to Jesse losing his flip-flops, which led to the creation of a search party for said flip-flops, which led to the frustration of wondering why Jesse would lose his stupid flip-flops in the first place, which led to trying to be an optimist, which led to finding something good that could come from this, which led to the decision to call the name of their band 'Barefoot'.
Sammie currently spends his free time cross-stitching, trying new recipes and scrapbooking old memories. Wait – that’s actually what his wife does. He spends his free time doing the dishes, trying to get his wife interested in the 4-5-1 soccer line-up and helping his wife understand why buying new bass guitars is really an unselfish act done purely in the best interests of their future children.
Editorial Comment (from wife): I don’t scrapbook. Sammie never complains when I try out new recipes on him. And does anyone know where I could buy some waterproof (or pee-proof) pajamas?