My Bio

I've been going through my work computer and cleaning out all of my personal files before I give it back to SAIC. It's funny how stuff I had completely forgotten ever having suddenly becomes too important to get rid of... Anyways, I digress. I found a word file called 'Sammie's Bio' and I couldn't remember what it was. I opened it and found a bio I wrote for my band, Barefoot, for our myspace site which never ended up working that well. BUT, the bio is still pretty funny. Here it is:

Possessing arguably the largest ego in Barefoot, bassist Sammie Markham brings to the band years of experience including performances for crowds numbering in the tens, an award from some free paper homeless people use for blankets, and a whole slew of lip service that makes him sound really important.

Sammie’s first attempt at professional music was auditioning for cruise ships in the Pacific. It was a complete success, except for the part about performing on an actual cruise ship. He ended up playing with The Whaling Humpbacks on a fleet of Alaskan fishing boats. Since money was tight, all labor for the band (except the actual playing) was outsourced to India. The Whaling Humpbacks abruptly ended their tour when Sammie broke a string on stage and the band learned from the roadie (who lived in Calcutta) that the repair would take at least 6-8 weeks. Sammie thought his career was over until he discovered that his brother’s college roommate once worked for a guy whose uncle lives in the same neighborhood of the former manager of a band whose back-up singer once saw Clive Davis’ valet in a coffee shop. The connection, albeit distant, would prove to be the turning point of an otherwise doomed career.

Putting The Whaling Humpbacks into his past, Sammie donned the performing name Vernon P. Funkweiler. He formed his new band, Funkweiler’s Funkadelic Funktones from Funkytown, and was signed instantly. After 5 albums and 3 World Tours Sammie was at the top of his game, until the drummer’s roadie leaked a well-guarded secret to the tabloids. The world would soon see the now famous Enquirer headline Vernon ‘Pee’ Funkweiler and Sammie’s bed-wetting problem would become water-cooler talk from Patagonia to Tahiti.

The record company left him, the band left him, the money left him and all was lost until an endorsement offer came from Johnson & Johnson for Sammie’s personalized line of custom-made bed pans. Sammie invested his money well and moved to the city where personal failures and shortcomings are quickly forgotten and never exploited – Washington DC. A weekend trip with Jesse Coleman to see a free Twisted Sister concert led to the creation of a mosh-pit, which led to Jesse losing his flip-flops, which led to the creation of a search party for said flip-flops, which led to the frustration of wondering why Jesse would lose his stupid flip-flops in the first place, which led to trying to be an optimist, which led to finding something good that could come from this, which led to the decision to call the name of their band 'Barefoot'.

Sammie currently spends his free time cross-stitching, trying new recipes and scrapbooking old memories. Wait – that’s actually what his wife does. He spends his free time doing the dishes, trying to get his wife interested in the 4-5-1 soccer line-up and helping his wife understand why buying new bass guitars is really an unselfish act done purely in the best interests of their future children.

Editorial Comment (from wife): I don’t scrapbook. Sammie never complains when I try out new recipes on him. And does anyone know where I could buy some waterproof (or pee-proof) pajamas?

Phoebe Delilah


We got a dog! We've been searching Petfinder.com for the past few weeks, trying to find a corgi. After a few disappointments and near misses, we finally found a pembroke welsh corgi from West Virginia. She was being transported to a rescue in Sterling, VA. We called the rescue every day last week to make sure she was still coming, and then Sammie called three times on Saturday until she finally arrived and they said we could go pick her up. She's beautiful! And very sweet and playful. We're going on lots of walks and playing lots of catch.

WE ARE...PENN STATE!!!

Those of you who were on the Israel trip with me will remember that on June 7th (our second day in Galilee) I was exceptionally stressed out about something. I finally opened up to Melissa about it after making her first promise that she wouldn't get mad at me when I told her what it was. I was stressed out because that was the day Penn State Football tickets went on sale. I had given my good friend, Steve, my log in and credit card info so he could get tickets for me while I was gone. I was stressed out about whether or not Steve would be able to get them for me -- I knew he would try his darndest and if anyone could get them, it would be Steve, but still, this is PSU Football and isn't therefore easily put into the back of one's mind even if you're in Israel. Well, Steve came through like a champ and got the tickets. Thank you, Steve.

Now that I'm back in the States I've been going over some PSU MBA message boards and a few people have posted that they didn't get tickets. Then I found this. I really owe Steve big time. I mean talk about your all-time bottom of the ninth, two out, bases loaded grand-slams. I don't know if I've ever sought after something with such high demand...

Have We Met??

Since Sammie and I are still getting over jetlag, we have been going to bed before 9 and sleeping deeply until about 5. In the middle of the night, I had a horrible cramp in my leg and sat up in bed. As I tried to put pressure on it to relieve the pain, I cried out a little bit. Sammie sat up, concerned, and said, "What's wrong Sarah? I mean what's wrong, Elizabeth?"
Even through the pain of the cramp and the grogginess of the rude awakening, I knew something was wrong.
"My name's not Sarah or Elizabeth."
"What's wrong...(pause) Melba?"
The next morning, after jumping on me to wake me up (you may have read about that from a previous post. It has now become a tradition), I asked him about the middle-of-the-night incident. He said, "Oh yeah! I remember forgetting your name!"
I'm not sure which side effect of traveling is worse: "Pharaoh's Revenge" on our digestive tracks or forgetting a spouse's name...

Home Again

We're home from our trip to Paris, Israel, and Egypt. We had a great time!! Sammie woke me up this morning with this poem (referring to our night train ride to Luxor):

Rock-a-bye Melba
On the night train
When the bumps come
Your butt feels the pain

When the food comes
You can't eat a bite
Or you'll be up pooping
For all of the night

While we're very glad to not be in Egypt anymore, we are already homesick for Israel. The following picture expresses our feelings about not being in Israel anymore...

Hey! We're in the Holy Land. Check out the Boyer Family Israel blog at www.boyersabroad.blogspot.com. See you when we get home!